anglista.edu.pl :: Esej na temat vegetarianizmu

Nadia87 · A Freshman Posty: 7

Witam serdecznie,

Bardzo proszę o sprawdzenie pod względem gramatycznym i stylistycznym niżej zamieszczony esej. Mam duże wątpliwości co do jego poprawności;)Za wszelkie uwagi bardzo dziękuję. Pozdrawiam wszystkich

Vegetarianism is the only good way for a human to eat.

Many people suppose that being a vegetarian is something unusual. They claim that in order to stay healthy , a diet must contain some meat. But is this opinion really justified? Do we need to deprive of life so many creatures?
At the outset let me begin by saying that in Poland about 470 millions of animals annually must die because our country cannot live without their meat. Making matters worse, they are frequently kept in terrible conditions and treated in a cruel way. It is hard to imagine the sufferings they must endure.

My next point I would like to make is that a diet including meat may result in heart disease, problems with the circulatory system or even cancer. People eating meat generally have an increased tendency to be obese and to have a higher blood pressure.
The question of negative sides of eating meat need not detain us further. Suffice it to say that with all certainty such a diet is not proper for staying fit and enjoying a long life.
Now it is time to examine a vegetarian diet and its advantages. Studies confirm that if it is properly-planned, it lowers the risk of cancer, ischemic heart disease, osteoporosis and other fatal diseases. The Imperial Cancer Research Fund conduced researches which pointed that mortality from ischemic heart disease was 24% lower in vegetarians than in nonvegatarians (Timothy J Key).
All necessary nutrients, proteins and amino acids required to stay healthy can be found in fresh vegetables and fruits , nuts, soymilk and eggs. They are rich in vitamins, minerals and above all – are much tasty than a morsel of meat dripping with grease.

As it turned out, a properly-planned vegetarian diet is definitely the best way for humans to eat. I am convinced that the number of its adherents will raise when people finally realize that in this way they can save lives not only many animals but also their own.

Key, Timothy J. et al. “Mortality in vegetarians and nonvegatarians“ The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition Sep. 1999 <http://www.ajcn.org/cgi/content/full/70/3/516S>

majlo · Wysłany: Sob 06 Cze, 2009 12:22 am

Your text is well-structured. The layout is quite clear, you divided it into paragraphs. There are not many grammatical errors. The range of vocabulary is good. Stylistically, though, there are some snags: a few typos, redundant spaces, lacking indent, word order which could've been better etc. Here are excerpts which, I think, need revising:

Nadia87 · A Freshman Posty: 7

Not really:) But I had to write an essay for or against so I decided to support the idea which was easier to prove

I'm a predator like we all;)So these are lies but who cares?
The choice of topics was rather limited...
Thanks for Your help I'll try to correct those sentences.

marcin · Wysłany: Sob 06 Cze, 2009 10:18 am

For and against essay? Well, then you have certainly missed the point. In a for and against essay you are not supposed to express your personal opinion, the so called "teza" should be neutral and you should have provided arguments to support both the advantages and disadvantages of being a vegetarian.

Nadia87 · A Freshman Posty: 7

Marcin, it was for OR against, in others words it's an argumentative essay. I know it's pointless to write about only one side but my lecturer said:
"Remember, in this kind of essay you must argue just one side - don't try to be 'fair' and write both sides of the argument. Your aim is to convince the reader that your opinion is the correct and reasonable one!"

So I had no choice I had to lie

Gamma · Wysłany: Sob 06 Cze, 2009 12:36 pm

Nadia, it's not an argumentative essay (for and against), it's an opinion essay (your opinion - for or against). It doesn't matter if you lie or not. But you don't have to

marcin · Wysłany: Sob 06 Cze, 2009 6:17 pm

LOL, I didn't notice the OR thing :-)

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